[Crummy]

1. That farm boy you see at the gas station did MORE work before
breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

2. It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you drive,
you're going to get dust on your Navigator. Drive it or get out
of the way.

3. The red dirt -- it's called clay. Red clay. If you like the
color, don't wash your car for a couple weeks -- it'll be permanent.

4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years
old. Yeah, we saw 'Bambi'. We got over it.

5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us
if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for
those little 13-inch trout you fish for -- bait.

6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards (ducks)
are making their final approach, we will shoot it (the phone).
You might want to ensure it's not up to your ear at the time.

8. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak.
Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off
the two pounds of ham and turkey.

9. Tea - yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass, over ice, and is
really, really sweet. You want it hot -- sit it in the sun. You
want it unsweetened-- add a LOT of water.

10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and
served over ice.

11. So, you have a sixty thousand-dollar car. We're real
impressed. We have a quarter of a million-dollar combine (it's
farm equipment) that we only use two weeks a year.

12. Let's get this straight. We have one stop light in town. We
stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

13. We eat dinner together with our families. We pray before we
eat (yeah, even breakfast). We go to church on Wednesdays and
Sundays and we go to high school football games on Friday
nights. We still address our seniors with "yes, sir" and "yes,
ma'am," and we sometimes still take Sunday drives around town to
see friends and neighbors.

14. We don't do "hurry up" well.

15. Greens - yeah, we have greens, but you don't putt on them.
You boil them with salty fatback, bacon or a ham hock.

16. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream (pronounced brim) and
crappie. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the
bait shop.

17. They are pigs. That's what they smell like (money). Get it -
pig farms - income - money? Get over it. Don't like the
smell? Interstate 85 goes two ways - Interstate 40 goes
the other two. Pick one.

18. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe even some
pepper on them. If you want to put milk and sugar on them, then
you want Cream of Wheat - go to Kansas. That would be I-40 west.

19. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season or fishing
season. Both are holidays. You can get pancakes, cane syrup, and
sausage before daylight at the church on either day.

20. So every person in every pickup waves? Yeah, it's called
being friendly. Understand the concept?

21. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards.
It spooks the fish and bothers the gators - and if you hit it in
the rough, we have these things called diamond backs, and
they're not baseball players.

22. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for
driving like an idiot -- his name is "Sir," no matter how young
he is

23. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from
them. You park your Navigator under them, and they'll leave a
logo on your hood.

24. You burn an American flag in our state, you get beat up. No
questions. The liberal contingent of our state legislature --
all four of them --enacted a measure to stop this. There is now
a $2.50 fine for beating up the flag burner.

25. No, we don't care how you do things up North. If it is so
great up there, why not stay there?

26. And no, down here we don't have an accent, you do.

In God we trust.