UPS Pilot complaint sheet

[puppydrum48]

Subject: UPS gripe sheet
>
> Just in case you need a laugh.
> Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school
> diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our
> jobs. After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe
> sheet', which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
> mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then
> pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
>
> Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some
> actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and
> the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
>
> By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an
> accident.
>
> P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
> S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
>
> P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
> S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
>
> P: Something loose in cockpit
> S: Something tightened in cockpit
>
> P: Dead bugs on windshield.
> S: Live bugs on back-order.
>
> P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
> S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
>
> P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
> S: Evidence removed.
>
> P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
> S: DME volume set to more believable level.
>
> P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
> S: That's what friction locks are for.
>
> P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
> S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
>
> P: Suspected crack in windshield.
> S: Suspect you're right.
>
> P: Number 3 engine missing.
> S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
>
> P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
> S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
>
> P: Target radar hums.
> S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
>
> P: Mouse in cockpit.
> S: Cat installed.
>
> And the best one for last
>
> P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
> on something with a hammer.
> S: Took hammer away from midget.