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Ask Dr. H

67K views 312 replies 42 participants last post by  lostnwilderness 
#1 ·
In an effort to further enhance the lives of Red X Anglers (and anyone else) I am hereby offering my close to 6 decades of experience in life to provide guidance for questions you may have about any given subject (must remain family friendly in accordance with the rules of this site). These need not necessarily be fishing questions as most of you are much more knowledgeable fisherman than I. You may for example, wish to know why Donald Duck wears a towel when he comes out of the shower in his cartoons but wears no pants the rest of the time. Or why that cereal is called 'Grape Nuts'. Or, speaking of cereal....why Captain Crunch's eyebrows are on his hat. Dr. H has the answers to these and many other quandary's of living. So get it off your chest like the writer below did....

Dear Dr. H,

My 22 year old daughter is getting married for the 3rd time. #3 is an unemployed 47 year old who lost his job at a coastal car wash when he abandoned his post during a bluefish blitz. While I'm hoping this one's a keeper for her my main concern is paying for yet another wedding. I can afford it but the cost is biting into my fishing trip and fishing gear money. Any ideas on how I can provide a cost effective wedding?

Sincerely,

Down and Out East


Dear Down and Out,

You've come to the right place for advice. Dr. H has funded 3 weddings himself and participated directly in two of those. That said, weddings are an expensive proposition. Sure they can go before the Justice of the Peace but that robs your lovely daughter of her 'special day'. Day's in her case. The secret is not in going cheap, it's WHERE you allocate the funds that count. In today's time it's not unusual to spend $50,000 on a wedding so that should be your budget. I propose (no pun intended) that the wedding be scheduled in the Fall and in a boat at the Cape Lookout Rock Jetty. While there will be hundreds of witnesses packed in tight there at this time of the year you won't be bothered with a bunch of irritating family members who only show up for free parties since they will have no way to get there. After all, weight limits on the boat only allow for a small wedding party and the preacher.

For about $48,000 you can pick up a new 23' Carolina Skiff Ultra Elite with a 200 HP Yamaha four stroke. You can pass on the Electric Portable Head option though as the water temps still run around 70 degrees this time of year. But be sure to get the optional 70 quart padded cooler in which you will place their honeymoon supplies. Yes, you are funding their honeymoon too! What a great dad you are! . Following the exchanging of the vows, the nearby witnesses can substitute traditional rice by showering the lovely couple with 3/8 oz. Gulp Jigs in the traditional white color. Instead of a bouquet, the bride can toss an 8 foot Betts cast net.

Following the ceremony it's just a short ride over to Shackleford where you will drop them off for an extended honeymoon. They will know you've been impeccable with your planning due to the shallow draft on the skiff. 'Stay as long as you like, you lovebirds!' you tell them as you present the wedding present; a 2 man pup tent with King sized air mattress and hand pump along with the cooler full of free outdated water and Vienna Sausages you got from the dumpster behind Food Lion. While they won't have a way to recharge their phones the area around Shack is well traveled. Someone will pick them up sooner or later.

Enjoy your new skiff.

-Dr. H.
 
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#4 ·
Dear Solo,

An excellent question indeed. Few people realize that the Coyote was in fact the star of the show. As a trained stunt canine, his salary was much higher than the road runner. The show itself was not originally intended for entertainment purposes. It was funded by a team of Physics Professors to evaluate such things as the required coefficient of friction for the coyote to go around that sharp corner without falling off the adjacent cliff. Should the coyote have in fact caught the Road Runner the experiments would have come to an abrupt conclusion.

Fewer yet are aware that the Road Runner later sued Warner Brothers for selling his likeness to Mopar. The Road Runner died in 1987, tragically run over on an Arizona road by a Plymouth bearing his name. The Coyote on the other hand, led a comfortable life as a spokes-dog for the ACME products company. He still lives in Palm Springs with his 6 year old (in dog years) wife, Lindsey Lassie.

Dr. H
 
#6 ·
Dear Echerd,

While not a Medical Doctor, I did sleep in a Holiday Inn last night. This did not make me any smarter, however the previous renter of the room was a Dr. Ben Jo Pickins. I know this because I found his prescription pad under the bed next to an empty mason jar. The symptoms you describe are serious indeed. Side effects include your spouse and children avoiding you, the dog looking at you funny, lack of regular hygiene, watching Hee Haw marathons for days on end and even trying to book a trip for trophy smallies in New York State, where they yawn at 3 pounders. Fortunately you are unsuccessful at this last expensive proposition as nobody up there can understand a word you say and they don't have time for how long it takes you to say it either. But fear not, I (or should I say Dr. Pickens) intend to write you a prescription to present to your employer diagnosing you with Severe Inflammatory Castinatitis (SIC) and requiring a mandatory 6 day camping, fishing and picking expedition at the Earl Scruggs Outfitters location just north of Galax, Va. These treatments may need to recur on a regular basis to get you back to your old self.

Dr. H
 
#11 ·
Another fine question. This one requires substantial semantical clarification. You can in fact drive on your driveway. It is how you get to your garage from the street. Likewise you can park on the Parkway. This latter practice is frowned upon by law enforcement but has been known to be challenged for the purpose of gaining access to a mountain stream during an epic midge hatch. A white cloth hanging from the door handle is a handy ruse in these situations. The word 'Park' itself is derived from the French 'Parc'. In old French a 'Parc' was an enclosure. That's why a baseball field is referred to as a 'Park'. The landscaped type of Parks originated in medieval practice of enclosing game preserves for the aristocracy. The enclosure in your example would be your garage, not your driveway. Therefore one should never park in his driveway for there is no enclosure. Nor should you Drive on a 'Park'way as driving inside of an enclosure is very dangerous. It's as simple as that.

Dr. H
 
#12 ·
Dear Mr. Big,

Like Mr. Slickrocktom's inquiry, yours also dates way back to medieval times. The fish in question was first discovered by the great explorer Lord Fuller Crappendookie. Legend has it that the fish was landed using a piece of hair from his daughter Mary-boo, which led to the creation of the Maribou Jig which is still taking the poor fighting but fine tasting species today. With a surname the subject of many jokes, Crappendookie pronounced it 'CrOPendookie' and southerners, noted for their manners, still use this pronunciation today. Northerners on the other hand bear no such manners, pronounce it phonetically and argue over why southerners say it the way they do.

Dr. H.
 
#18 ·
Dear Mr. Mofish,

There was a popular theory among scholars that the Lost Colony migrated inland all the way to what is now the Fayetteville area and intermingled with the Lumbee Indians. 'Oxendine' and 'Locklear' are the most prevalent names for Lumbees. Those of course are English names. Dr H knows better, however. The truth of the matter is that none of them stayed ashore when the ship returned to England to 'resupply'. Think about it. You can lead a life of disease, Indian attack and shortages of staples, or you can jump on that boat, head back to your blackbird pie, ale and crumpets and take advantage of the Mahi bite on the way.

Dr. H

Sent from my Nexus 7 using Tapatalk
 
#19 ·
Dear President Island Man,

Asia is the largest continent in the world. You ever drive a car made there?

The blue whale is the largest animal in the world. Females can weigh upwards of 400,000 pounds. You want your woman to outweigh you?

The largest hamburger ever made was close to one ton. You think the leftovers are going in a doggie bag?

No, young Island Man, the Red X'rs will never be the largest. They are , however, already the best.

Dr. H

Sent from my Nexus 7 using Tapatalk
 
#20 ·
Dear ChltBnks,

Were you aware that you have the longest screen name in America lacking a vowel?

Archeological evidence reveals that Dbeam was drifting Dinosaur eggs for Salmonoid Gigantipithicus. His Social Security number is 1 and he has no card. It is chiseled on a rock.

Sent from my Nexus 7 using Tapatalk
 
#22 ·
Dear Mr. Mo,

I am impressed with the hard-hitting historically important issues and questions you gentlemen have been presenting.

Sadly, no, they never were married. The relationship was Pluto-nic, though Mickey wished it were otherwise. Minnie was reportedly in relationships with several characters in the classic Disney cartoons and was unable to sustain any of them. The original series ended abruptly following Minnie's sudden demise when Mickey, in a fit of rage over her indiscretions, stole Elmer Fudd's 12 gauge double barrel and found Minnie with another popular character in a 1972 Econoliner parked behind the studio. Mickey inadvertently slayed his true love when Donald ducked. In homage to her memory, Chrysler later renamed similar vehicles 'Minnie-vans' and they are popular to this day.
 
#27 ·
Dear Mr. Solo,

I will (very) temporarily remove myself from complete lunacy to answer this in a semi-professional manner for the benefit of my fellow single anglers.

In the movie, the luscious Ms. Rabbit (voice by Kathleen Turner, btw) answers that question by stating 'he makes me laugh'. In real life there are many examples of less than stellar looking individuals marrying stunning females. Now, the jaded amongst us may think they did so for money but that is not always the case as some of these women are more successful than their male counterparts. Consider Michael Douglas landing Catherine-Zeta Jones, Mark Anthony (a one-hit wonder who, if he had a nickel on his head would be confused for a nail) marrying J-Lo. Or Seal (who appears to have been harpooned many times himself) marrying Heidi Klum. There are many other examples including Mrs. H who married me....twice. Keep in mind that these women have had 'hunky' dudes hitting on them all of their lives and have been burned after said 'dudes' got what they wanted. Likewise many average looking guys feel that women that look like this are unapproachable and, lacking self esteem we never try. Those of you who use your sense of humor, confidence and genuineness may be surprised at the result. HOWEVER, be careful what you wish for. Dr. H suggests placing your priorities on her love of the outdoors, ability to catch bait, filet fish, drop a boat in the water at the ramp, willingness to sleep in a tent, build a fire and cook way above what she looks like.

We now return to our regularly scheduled program of insanity...

Dr. H
 
#31 ·
Why is it Red X Anglers when most seem to prefer chartreuse?
Dr. Mr. OptiMystic,

Please utilize a proper greeting when addressing me in future correspondence on this thread. It is behavior such as this that causes disqualifications from competition at events such as the New River Smallmouth trip by my alter ego, Judge H. Many readers can attest to this, having been disqualified during that epic outing for far less serious breaches of conduct, most of which I cannot recall due to experimentation with a wide range of pharmaceutical and organically grown products consumed in the 70's. I have been informed that you are signed up to attend this year's event in August. Watch it, mister. I might remember this faux pas.

Many relatively new Red X'rs are not familiar with the story behind the name of this legendary group. Contrary to popular belief it has nothing to do with the color of their necks, their preference in bait colors, the bevy of x-wives they seem to have or their inability or willingness to sign their name on a document. It had to do with marking fish locations. I will reveal no more. The information and story is relatively easy to obtain with a little research. Besides, I don't remember.

Dr. H
 
#32 ·
I think I actually DO remember already answering the first question you asked earlier on this thread. As to the second 'part' of the Apartments question, that's an easy one. Just because they are all stuck together means nothing for they were MENT to be APART. Same as Jujube's, Dot's and LifeSavers.
 
#35 ·
Dear OptiMystic,

A much improved salutation.

I once knew a kind gentleman whose speech impediment condition resulted in a silent 'H'. 'Se stomped on dat sand sark's 'ead wit her sue.'

It is apparent by your cleverly worded inquiry that you are a literate sort. There exists no known condition in which Dr. H is silent. According to Mrs. H, he is even louder when sleeping than when he is awake.

If you don't believe any of this we shall change your name to 'Pessi...'
 
#40 ·
Dear Mr. Pierman,

It gives me great pleasure to receive questions from a legendary redfish catching machine such as yourself. It just goes to show that everyone needs the wisdom of Dr. H. Relative to Moses, scripture says that he was 80 years old before he received his calling from God. I've got a ways to go yet before I can part Queens Creek.

Red Drum do not live anywhere. Like famous drummers everywhere they are nomadic and are shacking up with different grouperies all the time. They do spend a lot of time playing and hanging around Oyster Bars until closing time. Being a fan of Red Drummers I was speaking last night to Yolanda Spottail who was in the famous Parrots Swamp Honeyhole Bar. She told me that Mick Fleetred of Fleetred Mac left with not one, but two grouperies. Dienda Mullet and Ivana Shrimp. As to the best way to catch them I suggest hanging around school zones, especially in winter. Don't speed through there though. And use whatever free baits your latest sponsor is providing you.

Finally as to what is at the end of an oyster bed....it's the Red-board of course.

Dr. H
 
#44 ·
That is what another red X Angler told me you would say. Can't divulge the name, but he is married to a lovely Russian woman. By the way, he may also need your help. He is down and out for the moment with back issues (most likely, you'll give him the same prescription). Should have listened to him, but wanted to wait for an official answer from Dr H 1st. Due to the large number of great questions from other members, it is me who should be apologizing to you. I'll have to borrow money for my next fishing adventure.
 
#51 ·
Dear Ancient One,

I did not miss this post. Nor did I miss that you were writing about PapaDave. While he is one of my favorite Red X'rs I wondered two things:

1) Where is the question? The name of the thread is ASK Dr. H.
2) If there is a question, is our friend so incapacitated that he must channel his communications through you?
3) Perhaps he should refrain from participating in Russian sports, such as bear wrestling.

Dr. H
 
#45 ·
Dr. H

A question that has bewildered me for a couple of years now.
A fishing trip to famous watering hole of Mr. Raymond Vandam Wells.
We were fishing for the elusive big mouth bass.
On several occasions Mr. VanDam would snag and land a nice fish. I would follow him around like a puppy, noticing every lure he hooked to that little snap swivel. I would try to mimic his every move. But through trial and error and to no avail I could not get anything but those Crappie fighters, sun perch and horny heads. Then he threw across me and my yak whipped his rod down and around and drug out a 5lb big mouth bass. Needless to say that I was poed. (Not really) I thought for minute looked at my watch and headed for the truck.
This has happened on other occasions also but we'll not go into those, you get my drift.
I love the chance to fish Mr. VanDam or be his photographer but I need some help. ??????

(==) ===='=€::}
 
#48 ·
Dear Mr. Echerd,

Fishing is as much about confidence as ability. That said, each human is gifted in some degree more than others. Cam Newton is a gifted athlete. But we can all play football. Jimmy Johnson is a gifted driver. But we can all drive. Raymond Van Dam Wells is a gifted fisherman even though we can all fish. Sometimes we just have to accept these things....but not always. Sometimes you have to employ tactics developed by Dr. H to overcome our lack of God-given ability. Namely, we cheat. An example of this was the New River Trip a few years back when Raymond caught by far the largest smallie of the day. Judge H was conducting his review of photo entries from contestants at the time that Raymond arrived. It was 6:01 p.m. Raymond was immediately disqualified for missing the 'weigh in' deadline as specified in the non existing rule book. Granted it's hard to do this to a guy as nice as Raymond, but all's fair in love, war and fishing. At another New River trip, Dr. H caught a nice smallie (a rarity in itself), gave it to young Pondhopper (who was about 12 at the time) and took his picture with it. Guess who beat Ray out on that trip? If it makes you feel better I'm sure you're a better banjo player than Ray is. You may want to start fishing with less gifted fishermen to avoid damage to your ego. I'm available.

Dr. H
 
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