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The End of an Era

5K views 19 replies 18 participants last post by  Chris52 
#1 ·
I have spent half a lifetime on the run, almost four decades—38 years—of headlong flight from a fact about myself that for most of my life, I couldn't even articulate, and then couldn't bring myself to accept. I lived in ignorance, in denial, and finally, in hiding. In those years I pursued every remedy, tried to fill the gaping hole in the middle of my life with everything, except the one thing that might have made the pain stop. I came to feel like I'd spent life shackled to the corpse of a stillborn child, trapped in a body that had never drawn a breath. And secrets are a heavy burden to bear. So I ran, and I kept on running.

Fishing has been, for me, the one consistent solace in my existence. When I'm on the water, the pain and confusion and the noise in my head melt away for a little while. I can have peace. I can live for a minute, and not feel the weight of the secrets, the fears, the regrets, or the ghost of the child-that-never-was. The fish don't care, so for a little while, I don't have to, either. So, for the last ten years, I've fished like my life depended on it, and, in a way it did. Every year since 2009, I've been on water at least 120 days, and in some years that figure has approached 200.

I don't think I'll make that this year, though. I've stopped running. I've finally found the strength to make peace with myself, and for the medium term future I am likely to be busy taking care of the things I need to do to move on with my life the way I might have done had I never gone on the run to begin with. There's been so much wasted time, and so my sense of urgency is quite high. I just haven't had the time to devote fishing lately that I'm accustomed to, and that may remain the new normal while my life is in transition. I have squeezed in a little time here and there this summer, and I'll leave you with a little peak of what I've been up to when I can make it to the water. I expect this to be a bit of a last hurrah for now. But don't worry, I'll be back, just maybe in a somewhat different guise.




















Cheers y'all!

Dylar

 
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#8 ·
Thanks for all you have done to enrich so many lives. I can’t remember who said it but the saying is, “Some people fish all their lives without knowing is not fish they seek.” Fly fishing can be very therapeutic so I hope you don’t stay gone too long. It works for women with breast or other cancers, wounded warriors, and a lot of us who need a healing sport to help us sort out our priorities. Blessings on you in your journey of discovery and healing.
 
#9 ·
Former President Herbert Hoover, not known as a great intellect or philosopher, was quoted: "All men are equal before fish." There's something to that, and when you get blamed for the Great Depression, fly fishing was probably a great relief for him. But when you think of it, it's just you and the fish in a pass/fail exam where you almost always get another chance, 100 misses erased by one good cast, presentation, hookup, catch (and release), where the here and now are all that matter.
 
#10 ·
Dylar...heartfelt best hopes and wishes for you! I hope you find your peace, and aren't away too long. And I STILL think and encourage you to get some stuff published! You have so much local knowledge and experience to share and pass on to those who follow, and your style of writing is so accessible, it'd be a shame not to...just saying...
 
#19 ·
I know this is an ancient post at this point, but I made an account just to respond.

If you happen to see this, just know you're not alone. We're out there, we're on the water, and we're unapologetic about who we are. I'm so glad you've chosen to make peace with yourself - life will only get easier.

I hope you've been able to truly be you who you really are these past three years. And I'd love to hear from you again one day soon!
 
#20 ·
Dylar…thank you so much for sharing a part of your story…wow! Lots of us know and appreciate the therapeutic nature of the water, and the opportunity to spend time healing—and growing—outdoors.

All good thoughts and best wishes…Chris
 
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